I wrote rather publicly (here and here) about my anxiety over having a second child, and a boy child to boot. It seems like a follow-up is in order, now that the little guy is here.
My second pregnancy was not the comfortable, wonder-filled event that my first was. I tried to get excited, to envision this little baby who I knew I would (and did!) fall madly in love with, but I just couldn’t get there.
It’s possible that I’m just one of those people, who can’t really get excited about something until it happens. It’s also possible that a whole lot of crazy circumstances prevented me from getting on board with having a bun in my oven.
About a month after I found out I was expecting, my husband Shane, was hit by a car while cycling home. Over the next several months he underwent three surgeries, two to his shoulder and one to his back. The back surgery was just over a month before my due date.
Don’t they say to avoid stress while pregnant?
Things weren’t going so smoothly on my end either. After the morning sickness passed, I developed a common but not oft-spoken-of condition that made me feel like I’d been whacked in the groin with a two by four. All the time. The condition only got more painful as my pregnancy progressed. (Ladies, if you have this problem feel free to contact me for some sympathy).
Maybe if circumstances had been different, it would have been easier to find the joy in expecting a baby. It made me sad that I couldn’t find a way to relish what was sure to be my last pregnancy. I felt guilty for not feeling the way I thought I should, and I worried.
I worried about having a boy, and not liking stereotypical boy stuff, like trucks, superheroes and primary color combinations. I worried about how to care for a penis. I worried that my daughter would not be able to handle the transition from only child to sibling. I worried about not being able to afford a second child. I worried about the lack of sleep.
And then he arrived.
There’s a video from when they plopped him on my chest after a ruthless, un-medicated labor. I looked at him and said: “Hi, hi. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay because it’s over now.” And then, as if it just dawned on me: “It’s a baby! Look, Shane! It’s a baby!” He won our hearts, just like that. He didn’t even have a name yet.
All of my anxiety evaporated with his arrival, and many of my concerns turned out to be unwarranted.
I no longer worry about the fact that he’s a boy, because he’s not really a boy yet. I mean, he is of course, but for now he’s just a sweet, little, totally adorable baby. He doesn’t run around screaming and banging on things with sticks, he hasn’t shown a preference for garish color combinations, he didn’t come out with a truck in his tiny hand.
By the time he develops an interest in all those “boy things” that I was so worked up about, I don’t think I’ll care, because I’m already madly in love with him. By that time, I might even find that I’ve learned to like trucks.
Oh, and baby penises? Totally easy to care for. Aside from the occasional spray, they require very little effort, and are simpler than baby vaginas.
Not everything has been as easy as the boy stuff though. My concerns about lack of sleep, and the transition from only child to sibling, turned out to be warranted. Anyone who tells you newborns are easy, is either crazy or a much more capable person than I. Probably the latter.
The same goes for the transition from one kid to two. It can be pretty heartbreaking when you have to choose between getting food on the table, and giving either of your kids only half the attention you feel they deserve.
It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been not-easy with a big fat side of joy and love. And it’s the joy and the love that I cling to, when I add another poop and barf stained item of clothing to a pile of similarly soiled items, and realize that dinner should have been ready an hour ago.
Well said Nina! And as a fellow mom of “one of each kind,” I thought the boy stuff was going to be a total drag. It really isn’t. I love that my son brings a different kind of energy and structure of play to our living room floor. Though brother and sister often clash in their play style, it makes it all the more sweet when you find the two of them enjoying each other’s company, or even conspiring against their parents. As a mom of 2 said to me when I first joined the ranks, “It doesn’t get easier, but it does get better.”
Aw, I love this post – one of my top faves.
Nice post! Sounds like you have had just enough sleep to still write well! I think I posted on your last one that I had ALL the same boy concerns around Toler. And then look what I got? A boy that doesn’t like trucks (though he does now love Legos and iPad apps) but rather preferred dolls when he was a toddler and his sister’s clothes. Now, he loves animals, nature, documentaries about animals and nature, ART, (all forms … drawing, ceramics, painting etc…), and dance, and reading novels and writing stories. He likes to clean and is very empathetic. But he could also climb out of his crib and to the top of the tallest slide in London without fear, and now can back dive and somersault of the board. He is a boy, the best kind of boy for me, he is different from she, who is his sister, but like her also the apple of my eye and what has made life the sweetest. Enjoy!
What a lovely testament to loving life and living it fully. Thank you for sharing the whole enchilada, not pulling punches and not glossing over the tough parts of life. Also thanks for sharing so many of the joys I may take for granted and renewing my love for every next installment.